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New Series: Incredibly Dumb Conversations I Have Had With Cab Drivers Part One: “I Go Everywhere”

By Rabbi Burton | July 17, 2008

A cab driver told me, “I been to America. I stay with friend. No money. They give me food. ”

I’m thinking, “why doesn’t this guy speak Hebrew with me? I speak Hebrew, and he sounds ridiculous in English”.

The cabbie continued, “I go everywhere. Queens…New Jersey…Kings Plaza…”

Kings Plaza?! That’s EVERYWHERE?!

“I tell you. America is @#$%^&*…”

“Please don’t speak that way around my children.”

Essentially, based on his vast experience between Rego Park and Kings Plaza, this man of the world has concluded that America is completely evil.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to planet Earth.

This segment brought to you by that product all of our mothers and grandmothers used to flock to Kings Plaza for…Jean Nate!

Topics: Uncategorized, Incredibly Dumb Conversations I Have Had With Cab Drive | No Comments »

How To Be A Millionaire

By Rabbi Burton | July 10, 2008

If you’re a rabbi, teacher and therapist like me, you know how noble your various professions are and you don’t feel any need for money or the things of this world. Right. Recently, I stumbled upon the Millionaire Maker calculator at salary.com, entered in my current income and investment details, and came up with the following data, which had me frantically searching for my anti-anxiety medicine for some time afterwards:

If you continue to save/invest $1 per year, and do not make any
withdrawals from that savings/investment account, you should be a
millionaire when you are 245 years old.

If you continue to save the same percentage of your salary (0.00%), as
your salary increases so will your annual savings amount. This savings
plan will make you a millionaire at age 238 years old, assuming you
work until 238 and do not make any withdrawals from that
savings/investment account.

Your current savings/investment plan makes you a millionaire after
your likely retirement age. If you want to become a millionaire
sooner, you need to increase your annual savings/investments or
savings as a percentage of salary.

Saving $1/year 245 years old
Saving 0.0%/yr 238 years old

Phew! That’s it! All I have to do is work until I’m 238 years old and not touch my investment account!

Topics: Blog, Please Help Me | 2 Comments »

Crash, Bang, Boom, Bam: Kool Aid Man, the Ultimate Headible?

By Rabbi Burton | April 28, 2008

I just can’t believe that I have neglected to include Kool Aid Man in my menagerie of headibles. That gigantic pitcher of love occupied so much of my pop cultural mental map as I was growing up in the 70s and 80s. How could I have forgotten him? The truth is, you could ask a serious kasha on his inclusion: Kool Aid is not edible, but rather potable! My terutz is that drinking is included in the general category of eating, or more accurately, consumption, so sh’ma mina! Kool Aid Man makes it into the Hall of Headibles!

There are many other objections to Kool Aid Man I can think of. For example, did anyone else notice that virtually every time Kool Aid busted through a wall, a fence, or a ceiling–just to quench someone’s thirst–he created serious collateral damage? Major seder nezikin problems! Was Kool Aid Man liable for damages, or was he exempt from them since his mission was so important? Kool Aid Kids, you be the judge!

Topics: Headibles | 1 Comment »

Snuff: Kosher Nose Candy

By Rabbi Burton | February 9, 2008

If you go to a heimische shul, you probably have that one cool dude who totes around a silver snuff box and offers its contents to his fellow mispallelim. Maybe you are that person. I am not too keen on the stuff; there seems to be very little return on investment. What do you get out of it, a good sneeze? Why don’t they pass out cocaine instead? Then the shul will really have a candyman!

I know the pleasures of smoking tobacco (though I kicked the habit in 1991, boruch Hashem), and obviously you can’t do that on Shabbos. It’s a relaxing, contemplative moment with a nicotine buzz to put you in that calmed frame of mind. Of course, those moments, cumulatively, will kill you before your time, unless you’re one of these old Sephardi kabbalists whose constitution seems to resist all health hazards–but that can only be determined retroactively, and you have to be able to learn kabbalah. See the RCA’s compilation on the prohibition against smoking in halacha.

According to Wikipedia, snuff originates with the Native Americans, who introduced it to European explorers in the 15th century. The nasal tobacco spawned an industry of decorative snuff box manfacturers, and apparently snorting it was so popular that the continuous presence of a snuff box on one’s dining room table was a normal phenomenon. Snuff eventually made its way into Jewish life as well, and is mentioned in Chassidic stories such as “the Holy Goat”, which was told by the Kotzker Rebbe, of blessed memory. The Kotzker referred to himself as the holy goat:

“An old Jew once lost his snuff box made of horn, on his way to the house of study. He wailed: ’Just as if the dreadful golus weren’t enough, this must happen to me.’ Oy vey, oy vey, I’ve lost my snuffbox made of horn” And then he came upon the holy goat. The holy goat was pacing the earth, and the tips of his black horns touched the stars. When he heard the old Jew lamenting, he leaned down to him, and said: ’Cut a piece from my horns, whatever you need to make a new snuffbox.’ The old Jew did this, made a

new snuffbox, and filled it with tobacco. Then he went to the house of study and offered everyone a pinch. They snuffed and snuffed, and everyone who snuffed it cried: ’Oh, what wonderful tobacco! It must be because of the box. Oh what a wonderful box! Wherever did you get it?’ “So the old man told them about the good holy goat, and then one after the other they went out on the street and looked for the holy goat. The holy goat was pacing the earth and the tips of his black horns touched the stars. One after another they went up to him and begged permission to cut off a bit of his horns. Time after time the holy goat leaned down to grant the request. Box after box was made and filled with tobacco. The fame of the boxes spread far and wide. At every step he took the holy goat met someone who asked for a piece of his horns.

“Now the holy goat still paces the earth- but he has no horns.”

Topics: Blog | No Comments »

A Snow Day in Jerusalem

By Rabbi Burton | January 30, 2008

This country is run by a bunch of nancy boys–even the ladies. The entire State has shut down, schools, businesses and all, because of the apocalyptic prediction that six inches of snow might fall. Meanwhile, there has been only some rain and a lot of wind. I remember going to college in Madison,Wisconsin, where we would receive twenty inches of snow in a day, where the wind chill was tens of degrees below zero–and classes would still be in session! People would cross-country ski to work! We would take cafeteria trays and sled down Bascom Hill. But here, the place of the great halutzim and the oh-so-tough IDF, you can’t even get a bus on a “snow day”. Even as nary a flake wafts through the air, the Jerusalem Post reports:

A heavy snowfall blanketed Jerusalem and the surrounding areas Tuesday night and was continuing to fall Wednesday morning. As expected, the Jerusalem municipality decided to cancel school in the capital for the day due to the slippery streets. University classes were also canceled, as well as kindergartens and preschools. School is also out in Gush Etzion, Ofra, Kochav Ya’acov, Tel Zion, Ma’ale Levona, Eli, Shilo and Beit El.

Major thoroughfares in the city were opened for traffic, but the city still requested that drivers not to risk the slippery streets with private vehicles. 100 snow plows were deployed around the city and were clearing the roads, especially those leading to hospitals and emergency facilities.

Additionally, courts in the Jerusalem area will not hold session on Wednesday.

Heavy snowfall?

Now if you want to know what kind of weather should shut down a city, take a look at the Great Blizzard of New York, 1888 Great Blizzard of 1888 , where great piles of snow clogged the streets, making it impossible for people to take their horse-drawn carriages from one place to another. Snow drifts from this storm covered three-story houses. Of course, this would not happen anymore, given the improved technology, the abundant snow plows, and potassium salt trucks. And, by the way, there were 100 snow plows readied for use in this city as well! But, alas, there is no snow to clear.

Alright, there was some snow to clear. And it was six or so inches–lengthwise…

Topics: Blog | 2 Comments »

More on the United Airlines Saga

By Rabbi Burton | January 27, 2008

Here is the text of the e-mail I received yesterday from United Airlines’ Customer Relations:

Dear Mr. Burton:
The Department of Transportation has forwarded your correspondence to us regarding you and your wife’s travel experience in January. I’m sorry for the dissatisfaction you have expressed.

First and foremost, please accept my apologies that we did not serve you and your wife better. We didn’t seem to do very well providing you the service you anticipate. We have no excuse for the poor service you had to tolerate. I have shared your comments with my colleagues responsible for the specific areas you mention so they understand how these experiences felt from your point of view, and so they can follow up with their teams to ensure improved handling of your travel needs in the future. All of us at United value hearing about aspects of our operation that work for you - as well as where we can further improve. Your candid feedback allows us to learn from them.

You experienced so many difficulties, which we regret, and while I can’t undo the circumstances you and your wife experienced; please accept these electronic travel certificates as a gesture of our concern. The travel certificate along with its terms and conditions is attached below.

Your business is important to United Airlines. I apologize for the poor impression we created. Please fly with us again and let us know how we have improved.
Sincerely,
Puneet Narang

Customer Relations

Not bad, right? Just goes to show that when you take action, it works. Sort of. How has UA attempted to appease me? By sending me and my wife two certificates for $100 each to be applied towards another UA flight. I don’t think that we could even fly from Brooklyn to Staten Island for that amount of money. In fact, the car service that took us to the airport cost us $135.

Here’s what I wrote back:

Dear Puneet Narang,

Thank you for your follow-up. I am pleased to see that United is trying to maintain good customer relations.

While I do appreciate the gesture of concern, I feel that two certificates totaling $100 apiece is just insufficient. There were five of us on that plane, not two. In fact, that you are extending your offer to only my wife and me is indicative of the very problem about which I alerted the Department of Transportation.

If you recall from my letter to the Department of Transportation, the point I made was that your flight staff (and then, subsequently, other passengers) were completely intolerant of our children and their needs. Children are just as much people as anyone else, and they deserve consideration just like all of your passengers do; after all, their parents pay significant amounts of money to your airline in order to secure their seats. Besides, a $100 certificate is less money than that required to take a car service to the airport. Is this a serious gesture?

Looking forward to your reply.

Thank you.

Let’s see what happens…

Topics: Blog | No Comments »

Omnipresent TV: Even At the Gas Tank

By Rabbi Burton | January 22, 2008

Gas Pump TV

Inside the flat a fruity voice was reading out a list of figures which had something to do with the production of pig-iron. The voice came from an oblong metal plaque like a dulled mirror which formed part of the surface of the right-hand wall. Winston turned a switch and the voice sank somewhat, though the words were still distinguishable. The instrument (the telescreen, it was called) could be dimmed, but there was no way of shutting it off completely. (George Orwell, 1984)

The other day, I was filling up our rental car with gas near an overpass in the outskirts of Walnut Creek, California, when I encountered something hideous. As I pressed the appropriate buttons on the pump, I became aware of a voice informing me about some celebrity, what she wears and what she does when she’s in Las Vegas. I turned my head, and I saw that, perched atop the tank pump was a video monitor. It was was just kept on, ostensibly a favor to the customer so that he or she did not have to be bored while filling up.

In reality, it was installed by Gas Station TV, a company whose aims are spelled out clearly on their website.

The thought that I had was that, for some reason, it is now regarded as totally necessary to have a continuous stream of media flowing into the brain–so necessary that someone felt compelled to install a monitor on top of the gas pump. You can’t get away; the electronic environmental press of the media surrounds you on all sides, with its brain-sucking rays, filling up your head with some ad agency’s gluppity-glupp. I am grateful that I made the decision 16 years ago not to have a TV anymore–and I highly recommend this soul-sparing move to everyone.

I am not the one who started the anti-TV revolution. Other people like psychologist Albert Bandura has raised up that banner already; you can read about his views by clicking here. But from this website, I urge everyone to purge themselves of the Idiot Box.

TV=Totally Vapid. Kill your television!

Topics: Blog, Anti-media | No Comments »

United Airlines Stinks!

By Rabbi Burton | January 17, 2008

It is well-known that United Airlines is one of the worst carriers in the industry; having been in and out of bankruptcy and racking up gigantic complaint records. An article in USA Today describes their lousy service in greater detail. Another article, from the Associated Press, noted the discovery of hantavirus-infected mice, who were living in pillows aboard a UA plane. There is even a website entitled untied.com, which is a veritable revolt against the airline.

Here is a letter I wrote to the US Department of Transportation, soundly condemning UA for its awful customer service and disregard for children:

United Airlines has proven to be incapable of providing a pleasant and humane flight experience for its passengers, particularly children. Despite the fact that a comparable fee is paid for children who occupy seats as well as parents’ laps, their specific needs are totally unmet. The staff seemed to view the children as little more than pets. One flight attendant barked at my wife for moving from one cabin class to another as she was walking with our 14-month old to allow him to ambulate, “please go BACK to your cabin!” Another warned her, as she was carrying a used diaper to the bathroom to dispose of it, “you need to put that in an airsick bag and get rid of it–nowhere near here! Diaper-changing stations were nonexistent in the bathrooms; parents have a choice of either laying their children down on the bathroom floor or across their plane seat, exposing them to other passengers who no doubt would object to the odor. Incidentally, what happens when the staff is intolerant of children and their parents is that other passengers take their cue from them and feel at ease chiming in with remarks, such as “this is NOT a playground!” and the like. The video monitors hung from the ceiling along the length of the cabin, and directly in front of bulkhead seating, forcing the passenger to see what is playing on the screen. In this case it was a television show featuring explicit adult and sexual content followed by a violent Jackie Chan movie where the characters were hurting and shooting at each other. This is in addition to the fact that the seats were uncomfortable, the overhead lights next to our seats were burned out, and the window flaps were jammed up into broken casings, making it impossible to block the intense sunlight that struck the side of the plane. The atmosphere was hot and stuffy; blankets were old and worn, and there was a shortage of pillows. One of the flight attendants, a woman, had a completely shaven head, making her appearance grotesque [I was going to suggest that my wife lend her a sheitel for the duration of the flight]. Upon landing, we sat on the runway because the ground crew could not find an available gate. All in all, it was horrible example of customer service.

Topics: Blog, Things That Bug Me | 1 Comment »

Montreal Expos Logo

By Rabbi Burton | January 17, 2008

From my childhood, I was never able to understand why the Expos’ had ‘ELB’ as their logo, until someone pointed out that it is actually a tricolore ‘M’ for Montreal. Personally, I think it is a bungled graphic design effort. What do you think? Expos Logo

Topics: Things That Bug Me | 1 Comment »

10 Teves: Yahrtzeit of Reb Noson Sternhartz zt”l

By Rabbi Burton | December 19, 2007

The 10th of Teves, as the title suggests, is the yahrtzeit Rabbi Noson Sternhartz zt”l (1780-1844), Rebbe Nachman’s foremost disciple, and the leader of the Breslover Chassidim after the Rebbe’s passing. Breslov Like the Rabbi Dov Ber, the Maggid of Mezeritch, who inherited the mantle of the burgeoning Chassidic movement from its founder, R’ Yisrael Baal Shem Tov, Reb Noson z”l was the one who gave Breslov chassidus its structure, its character and its canon, namely the teachings of Rebbe Nachman and his own voluminous works, Likkutei Halachos, Likkutei Tefillos, Yemei Moharnat, and Alim Le’Trufah.

Born in Nemirov to a family of means, Reb Noson displayed early signs of genius and grew to become an exceptional Torah scholar who was keenly aware of the value of time. He married Esther Shaindel, the daughter of Rabbi Dovid Tzvi Ohrbach, renowed posek of the cities of Sharograd, Mohelov and Kremenitz. Although his father-in-law was opposed to the nascent Chassidic movement, Reb Noson was eventually drawn towards it–initially against his will–through the influence of a close childhood friend, Reb Lipa, who had embraced Chassidism as his way of serving Hashem.

A sensitive soul, Reb Noson’s journey onto the path of the Baal Shem Tov was an extension of his unceasing yearning for truth and spiritual growth. A long view of his life reveals the restlessness of his soul, like an artist confronting his canvas, seeking to capture the essence of his object in true colors and light. Soon after he found his new spiritual home in the teachings of Chassidus, Reb Noson’s search continued, this time for the right mentor. He became a close student of many notable personalities of his day, including Reb Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev, whom Rebbe Nachman would refer to as the “glory of the generation”. Yet, his soul could not find rest.

In a dream, Reb Noson envisioned himself climbing a ladder that reached up into the heavens, as he ascended higher and higher, and the ladder became more vulnerable to the effects of the wind, it swayed back and forth. Reb Noson glanced upwards and beheld a person on top of the ladder, who encouraged him with the following words:

Hold on tightly! But climb!

A short while after Reb Noson experienced this dream, Rebbe Nachman moved from Zlatipolia to nearby Breslov. It was Elul of the year 5562 (1802). Reb Lipa had spent Shabbos in Breslov with Rebbe Nachman, and the inspiration he drew from that Shabbos was evident to Reb Noson from the fervor of Reb Lipa’s davening during Selichos on that motzoei Shabbos. Reb Noson traveled to Breslov the following day with Reb Lipa and Reb Naftali (who also became a leading student of Rebbe Nachman). When Reb Noson saw the Rebbe’s face for the first time, he realized that this was the selfsame person who stood atop the ladder in his dream.

The Rebbe said that with Reb Noson, none of his teachings would be lost. These words have materialized exactly as the Rebbe stated. In addition to the fact that Reb Noson was singlehandedly responsible for the transcription, editing and publishing of all of Rebbe Nachman’s teachings that are presently in our hands, none of the Rebbe’s other followers’ writings have survived.

After the Rebbe’s passing, the passage of time determined that Reb Noson was destined to be the leader of the Breslov Chassidim. He undertook this position faithfully for the rest of his life, maintaining the connections between the Rebbe’s followers, who lived in several different areas, organizing the annual Rosh Hashanah gathering as early as 1811, the year after the Rebbe’s passing, printing and distributing the Rebbe’s teachings, building the kloyz (shul) in Uman, composing his encyclopedic works, and of course, fundraising for each of these massive undertakings. Reb Noson accomplished all of this despite internal disputes within Breslov, persecution by major rabbinic leaders and their followers, attempts on his life, imprisonment, poverty, a lifelong bout with colitis, and family tragedy. He also managed to journey to Eretz Yisrael, distributing the Rebbe’s books at each stop along the line. Reb Noson and Bug River With such a “resume” it would be hard to imagine that Reb Noson spent most of his days in learning and prayer, but that is the fact.

The aspect of Reb Noson I would like to emphasize is that, despite his position of leadership within Breslov, never did he attempt to take the place of the Rebbe, to become a rebbe in his own right. For his entire life, Reb Noson conducted himself as a talmid (student) of the Rebbe. Such a role transcends that of rebbe or chassid; a talmid is liberated both from the kavod that is given to rebbes and from the transient ambiance of a spirited Shabbos tisch. Being a talmid means remaining in a receptive process of learning and integrating the words, advice and direction of one’s teacher. He did not imitate the Rebbe; he remained his own unique self and contributed the inimitable gift that he had as the individual who actualized the Rebbe’s path.

This paradigm of talmid–I believe–is one of the keys to the continuity of Breslov Chassidus. There are so many personalities, awesome tzaddikim and talmidei chachamim in the spiritual mesorah of Breslov, whose erudition, piety, purity and holiness was such that they could have easily–and justifiably–become rebbes in their own right. Many of these people did publish voluminous, scholarly works and served as halachic authorities in their respective towns, but they remained students, works in progress, and were always trying to move from one level to the next. The gemara (Yoma 86b) states, “leadership buries her possessors”; being a figurehead can trap a person into a mode of stagnation, and the spiritual growth and dynamism that is required for a successful Jewish life is its antithesis. Reb Noson's kever

Reb Noson was constantly climbing, and by his example, he bequeathed to us a precious heritage of Yiddishkeit lived to its fullest. Ashreinu mah tov chelkeinu. May his merits protect us.

Topics: Breslov | No Comments »

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